Saturday, May 19, 2012

How to cope with Sibling Rivalry?

Tukang tulis... Syida@Mrs K at 11:00 PM
Entry ni kesinanbungan dari citer semalam....after that situation Mama terus dig in the books and read it as guidance. Yelah kita takut juga tersalah tindak tanduk. Benda2 macam ni everlasting dalam kepala anak2. Sebelum benda jadi nanah baik kita heal cepat2 supaya tak melarat. Masa dorang kecil ni lah kita kena pastikan tiada salah paham.

Perhaps this entry can help some twin or multiples parents to solve this common issue. Mama even made some readings to handle this problem smartly. I like this book; "Parenting School Age Twins and Multiples by Christina Baglivi Tinglof  - Mc Graw Hill" The writer has made her research and interview with more than 40 families of twin/multiples and scientific literature and she is a mother of twin boys herself!. So Mama thought her writings are good and relevant as she herself are mommy and able to get example from others as comparisons.

Sit up straight coz' this entry going to be quite long but informative okay...

Cited from Chpt 5 : Combating Competition and Promoting Cooperation.
 Making comparisons is the beginning of Sibling Rivalry..Ataupun membuat perbandingan antara anak2 adalah permulaan kepada pergaduhan adik beradik okey...Ever look at your own experience mommies? Betul kan. Membandingkan serta melabelkan anak2 adalah konsep yang diguna pakai selalu in almost every family samada sengaja atau tidak sengaja, sedar atau tidak.

 Comparison can be emotionally detrimental when done on a continual basis. The problem with these comparisons, whenever we differentiate between two things, its often a winner and a loser. And if comparisons are made freely in a family, the "loser" often will inevitably begin to see him/herself as "less than" :( Whether it is a favorable or unfavorable comparisons, both can have an adverse effect on the intratwin relationship by planting the seed of rivalry. Usually when the 1st twin excel in one subject but the other one don't even though he/she likes the subject its often makes the struggling twin believe she/he not as intelligent as her/his twin and may never realize her/his full potential. 

Labelling- as kids grow up, labels are no longer cute but restrictive to their development. Even when they have long been outgrown, childhood labels are lasting! (I have personal experience on this...labelling by time Mama share ok) A child who negatively label will reinforced such behaviour abd ultimately continues it!. As children get older, for some nearly everything becomes a competition. If they kept or remind by their differences everything become a contest between the two. But the good part of competition between twin is they are struggling to be seen as learn to be separated.Identical twins who share 100% of their DNA have a greater social closeness and have many more similar behavioral and physical characteristic than non identical twins. Parents should model healthy attitudes. Parents also should never allow other members of the family to tease their siblings. But somehow it rather difficult to remind other members outside the house even your parents, siblings, aunties, uncles or friends. Yet being a parent you should Make It Clear to them STOP comparing or labeling the twin or their siblings!

For some multiples especially identical twins who innately have similar likes and talents, a rivalry can be uncomfortable and causes pain for both. The winner cant fully enjoy his accomplishments since he always sees the disappointment of losing brother. The winner fear of harming their relationship and might hide his full potential. Perhaps if they can choose different areas but still under one interest, they can encourage each other free from guilt. (for example, both like music, so 1st twin plays piano, the other twin play guitar)

Parents need to be keenly aware when competition between twin gets out of hand. Remind you child to concentrate on his personal best rather than comparing himself to his twin. Besides life shouldn't be all about winning. Have a private chat with the 1st twin asking if he could offer positive encouragement to the 2nd twin. Just by knowing his cotwin is on his side is often enough to turn them into cooperating teammates but if the 2nd twin continues to show sign s of frustration, consider allowing him to choose other areas that might interest him. But parents..AVOID being your child constant mediator. You need to be impartial and to teach them both to work out their differences in constructive ways.

What parents can do?
- Many twins are very UNCOMFORTABLE when strangers and family members compare them. Parents need to tell that persons, speak with them in private and politely explaining why you'd like them to stop that practice.
- Parents also fight the urge to compare them. FOCUSED on the child and never bring in her cotwin as comparison or example.Compliments the individual without include the other twin's name.
- Don't overreact to sibling disputes. Don't step in  and try to solve their problem, but don't turn a deaf ear either. If you sense it gets out of hand, act from the sideline by reminding each child of the right way to disagree. 1) Listen to each other 2) negotiate 3) mutual compromise
- encourage family members to support each other whether they win or lose. Praise such behavior if you saw one.
- Never allow teachers to compare the accomplishment of the twins. Let them know how you'd like your children to be treated. Set different appointment for each twin if you need to meet the teachers for discussing children's school progress.
- Balance between praising one without diminishing the other.
- give each child equal opportunity to be responsible one, the one who gets to go first. Let them take turns.
- if twins get caught up in the comparisons game THEMSELVES....butt out and let them get bored with the discussion themselves. A better tactic is to DIVERT the conversation ! :)
- Promote the benefits of teamwork, cooperation and pulling together as family. Help them see and appreciate the strengths in each other and show appreciation often.
- if the twin pursue constant comparisons made at school, consider placing them separate class or worse separate school :( This space might what they crave in order to pursue their own interest at their own pace.

The positive side of the competitiveness.
It helps to develope personality and ego. They have stronger sense of autonomy and higher individuation. Competition often acts as a STIMULUS to achieve to greater degree/level. It teaches the children to cope with strategies for future and how to socialize in the world at large. It may be hard for parents to listen to their kids fighting, but many of these word wars can actually develope a finesse for negotiation! :) They learn to manage and resolve conflicts, convincingly tried to get his point across to his cotwin. These are all social skills that children learn early and once mastered can be successfully as adults. :)
Many twins also compete academically with their cotwin whether consciously or unconsciously. 
Remind yourself and your children that everyone will excell and even struggle at different things and at different times in their lives.
When it comes to outsiders, ALWAYS step in before their comparisons make their way to your multiples. REMEMBER you're your children's STRONGEST ADVOCATE! :)

p/s...hope this might help...sharing is caring
sama2 kita berdoa agar hati anak2 kita dekat dan kasih antara satu sama lain..Amin...

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